Here is the official trailer of my documentary. The official full showing will be on Sunday, March 16th, 2014 at the Philippine American Community Center of Michigan (PACCM). I invite you all to attend the showing and how the cultural communities have helped me come in terms with my identity as a transracial adoptee.
For those who many not understand why I created this, this project was manifested from the time I was a pre-adolescent. During that time, fellow classmates would find out that my parents happen to be white Caucasian, while I am a Filipino. So I told them how I was adopted and so time and time again, questions would arise from classmates asking if I ever knew myrealbiological parents or family. Other questions for example were: “Do you know how to speak Filipino? Have you been back to the Philippines? Were you born there? Are you full Filipino? Are you sure? Do you know anything about the culture?” And so on.
So because of those constant questions, experiences of outsiderness, and a growing eagerness to find out more about the man in the mirror, it finally had led to eventually opening up my case study papers for the first time. I read those papers and had felt a cycle of anger, forgiveness, and understanding as I learned more about my homeland. After being able to tell my story, others have told me I should document it. So here it is, the preview to my documentary.
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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.
Ever since being introduced to the Filipino community, the month of January was not just a month that was supposedly where my birthday happened to be in. It was a bittersweet month. A reminder.
Every January 24th, I would blow out candles and make that wish. I’d wish that someday, I would make it to the Philippines. That I would find my biological family. I’d hope my prayers and wishes would be answered in some form or another. I’d pray that my biological family would be safe even though I never met them. Can someone ever miss someone they have never met before? Is that possible?
Aunty Fely, my mother’s older sister. “May resemblance ba?” Is there a resemblance?
It’s made me wonder every birthday since 2007 as to who my biological family was. Inside there were unanswered questions. There were missing puzzle pieces that needed filling no matter how happy I tried to be. This was a month where sadness was covered up with sleight grimaces and a longing to know where I fit in between two worlds of being a Filipino in a family that happens to be a white caucasian American family and a Filipino who was foreign to his own community. These were times when I would stare back at myself and felt lost. These were times where I’d tell classmates and other people that I wanted to find my roots, and sometimes have been shot down by their tongues saying that:
“Why search? Aren’t you happy?”
“What if your family doesn’t even want to see you?”
“You were abandoned and found in a plastic bag in a banana tree, your mother didn’t want you!”
Despite these, I’ve never given up on hope. That hope fueled me to want to go back and document my story. I’ve been advised that I should document it. So this in the end will come full circle. It hasn’t only helped me weave through what life has given me but I hope it helps others as well.
Video editing has been tedious especially working so often in order to save enough money to attend school and being part of these non-profits. The documentary will be hopefully complete before January ends.
I’ve gone back and we were successful in our search as said in one of my previous blog posts. Unfortunately, I’ll disclose that my biological mother is no longer with us. I do feel though that she has been watching over me since the moment I had started my Kicktarter and set foot on Filipino soil. Even now I feel she is here with me. There is one question still that comes to the forefront.
Can someone miss someone they never met before?
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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.
I’ve been on hiatus with keeping up with this blog but life has continued on with compiling the last pieces of footage back here in Michigan to complete my documentary. Life also has kept going on as for work, organizing the Filipino Youth Initiative, and the Basic Filipino Language classes, as well as being the current Youth Chair for Council of Asian Pacific Americans of Michigan.
Even though life continues to move forward, a part of my soul seems suspended within a dimension of time and thought trying to unravel everything. Often I refer to this as a ball of yarn since everything is interconnected one way or another. Also, It is too easy to say that “I am James Beni Wilson”. My identity has a much deeper history than that and encompasses other peoples’ lives who I value now as well. No one is a just a third party. They are very much a part of the large design of life somehow. Everything happens for a reason whether we understand those reasons or not. Every turning point that has opened doors to me in challenging my own identity, I have been given these blessed opportunities to say these prepared me for this journey back to the Philippines to find the truth. Without these opportunities and if I have not been able to come in contact with countless people who I have come across in this journey, I may not have the tools that they gave me to understand everything and to accept what is.
I’ve asked a few people if I have changed since this trip. They’ve said that I seem happier. Knowing details has helped me know where I came from to move forward. Will it be like this for everyone? I cannot answer that for them.
Finding out that she is no longer with us was difficult. The first few nights being back from the Philippines did result in tear drenched pillows. Not only that it’s hard knowing that she passed, but also knowing that I was not abandoned. Finding a way to communicate my/our story without bringing any disrespect won’t be tricky but will be taken in account.
Coming in late January, my journey.
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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.
“Gusto ko nga ipahibalo ang mga istorya na naga kahitabo sa banwa gisaad na to” – Balita by Gloc 9
It’s been three weeks since I’ve been back from the ‘Motherland’. It’s been also three weeks of pulling out old photos, videos, and organizing everything to be digitized. I understand now why people are able to be paid to digitize old archives.
A piece of me is missing but at the same time it’s not missing. Part of me has been left in the Philippines while part of me is back here in America. Before flying back I thought to myself, “Will I continue to live my life as it was in America or have I consciously changed after this experience?”. I do have mixed emotions which I am unraveling. Whether these emotions are positive or negative, after attending a few conferences and being a part of organizations, I’ve learned from others to understand that these emotions are what make me human.
Also I’ve learned from two very wise women. One woman had said that “Only you are in control of your own thoughts and what you do with them”, and another woman had said to me after asking her for advice was, “Negative thoughts are not in your vocabulary”. The first woman is Grace Lee Boggs, an American Revolutionary, and the second was Fe Rowland who was the past director for Paaralang Pilipino or Filipino School at the Philippine American Cultural Center of Michigan. These testimonials have gotten me through many obstacles.
I thank many of the people who have helped me along the way who made this trip possible, those who aided my search such as the Inter-Country AdoptIon Board whom I’ve been in contact with since last Spring, Lorial Crowder who is the co-founder of the Filipino Adoptees Network which is based in New Your City, who is a close friend of mine and aided me during most of the trip. Lastly was my previous foster family’s generosity of offering me to stay at their home, and for my foster sister Hesziel and her family for emotional support and making me feel safe and keep me safe in my own homeland. I also thank the people at Asilo for allowing me to stay within their dormitories.
Inter-Country Adoption Board Office
During the trip I was able to meet and network with many people involved in inter-country Adoption Services at the 12th Global Consultation on Child Welfare. Meeting them at this conference also helped finding the right contact people as well when I had to travel to my island of birth, Cebu. The Department of Social Welfare & Development (DSWD) Region VII were my primary contacts in going to Cebu.
DSWD Region VII
With the help with many of these friends, family and organizations, their advice and dialogue has helped me through many obstacles. Without them it may not have been easy. A part of me feels that we’re all meant to have intersected with one another.
Another part of me wishes that I had could have stayed longer. Being back in America is strange. Being in the Philippines was even stranger yet at the same time I felt home. Perhaps it was because I was fortunate to have people like the organizations whom helped me along the way which were like family to me and also of course, my foster and biological family. There’s a stronger emphasis of the importance and value of politeness and human interactions while in the Philippines. Others may argue this but being adopted and still keeping myself rooted within my culture, I’m glad that I was given the opportunity to learn the culture and language parang hindi maging mayabang kung palaging nag-eenglish ako. “so I don’t come off as snobbish if I kept speaking English” since I took the opportunity as much as I could to understand my roots and assimilate as much as I am able to…
Having these thoughts on my mind of this does not make me grow tired. I may be still in the process of understanding everything that just happened while I was there. It won’t be instantaneous but I am a strong believer in that everything happens for a reason. For sure I know that this entire journey has made me stronger and has had a positive outcome.
It’s been over a month since I’ve seen most of my fellow Filipinos or kababayan in the states who had supported me in my trip. Today begins the first day of Paaralang Pilipino or Filipino school at the Philippine American Culture Center of Michigan (PACCM).
This year also marks the 4th year that I’ve been a facilitator and mentor for the Paaralang Pilipino school classes. Those are the Beginners Tagalog and the Filipino Youth Initiative class for the thirteen and older age group. Prior to teaching I also was once a student in these classes. I look back at the struggles of identity and searching for where I belonged in the midst of reclaiming and finding home in my community. For my experience but maybe not for others, there’s an interesting sense of kinship regardless of being adopted and that I’m still seen as a Filipino. However, during the struggle there were times where involvement and trying to find home, I didn’t always feel like I belonged.
As a student I enjoyed coming here but in my heart I was an outsider. I stayed persistent but at times I wanted to drop everything, leave the community and stay who I was before. I thought to myself, if I did that, then I would be waving the white flags and surrendering. Just giving up on searching and finding out my roots and culture would be the ultimate injustice and wouldn’t have given me the opportunities to have met the most amazing people during this journey who helped keep my head up and supported me and possibly not have any of my questions answered.
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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.
