I remember the first few moments attending the Philippine American Community Center of Michigan (PACCM). There were many different languages of the Philippines being spoken back and forth, sounds and phrases that were familiar and alien to me as well. It was when I heard someone speaking out of the sea of other languages in the crowd had entranced me to this forgotten language that was once mine and that hearing the Cebuano or Bisaya language once again was eerily nostalgic.
It is documenting the loss in cultural and ethnic identity, and currently where I find these moments past, present and future moments most precious to keep and capture of how I’ve come to be seen and/or accepted as a member of my biological family in the Philippines very crucial and important.
Join me in my journey and let’s paint this picture together of reunion and reconciliation.
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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.
Here is the official trailer of my documentary. The official full showing will be on Sunday, March 16th, 2014 at the Philippine American Community Center of Michigan (PACCM). I invite you all to attend the showing and how the cultural communities have helped me come in terms with my identity as a transracial adoptee.
For those who many not understand why I created this, this project was manifested from the time I was a pre-adolescent. During that time, fellow classmates would find out that my parents happen to be white Caucasian, while I am a Filipino. So I told them how I was adopted and so time and time again, questions would arise from classmates asking if I ever knew myrealbiological parents or family. Other questions for example were: “Do you know how to speak Filipino? Have you been back to the Philippines? Were you born there? Are you full Filipino? Are you sure? Do you know anything about the culture?” And so on.
So because of those constant questions, experiences of outsiderness, and a growing eagerness to find out more about the man in the mirror, it finally had led to eventually opening up my case study papers for the first time. I read those papers and had felt a cycle of anger, forgiveness, and understanding as I learned more about my homeland. After being able to tell my story, others have told me I should document it. So here it is, the preview to my documentary.
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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.
“Gusto ko nga ipahibalo ang mga istorya na naga kahitabo sa banwa gisaad na to” – Balita by Gloc 9
It’s been three weeks since I’ve been back from the ‘Motherland’. It’s been also three weeks of pulling out old photos, videos, and organizing everything to be digitized. I understand now why people are able to be paid to digitize old archives.
A piece of me is missing but at the same time it’s not missing. Part of me has been left in the Philippines while part of me is back here in America. Before flying back I thought to myself, “Will I continue to live my life as it was in America or have I consciously changed after this experience?”. I do have mixed emotions which I am unraveling. Whether these emotions are positive or negative, after attending a few conferences and being a part of organizations, I’ve learned from others to understand that these emotions are what make me human.
Also I’ve learned from two very wise women. One woman had said that “Only you are in control of your own thoughts and what you do with them”, and another woman had said to me after asking her for advice was, “Negative thoughts are not in your vocabulary”. The first woman is Grace Lee Boggs, an American Revolutionary, and the second was Fe Rowland who was the past director for Paaralang Pilipino or Filipino School at the Philippine American Cultural Center of Michigan. These testimonials have gotten me through many obstacles.
I thank many of the people who have helped me along the way who made this trip possible, those who aided my search such as the Inter-Country AdoptIon Board whom I’ve been in contact with since last Spring, Lorial Crowder who is the co-founder of the Filipino Adoptees Network which is based in New Your City, who is a close friend of mine and aided me during most of the trip. Lastly was my previous foster family’s generosity of offering me to stay at their home, and for my foster sister Hesziel and her family for emotional support and making me feel safe and keep me safe in my own homeland. I also thank the people at Asilo for allowing me to stay within their dormitories.
Inter-Country Adoption Board Office
During the trip I was able to meet and network with many people involved in inter-country Adoption Services at the 12th Global Consultation on Child Welfare. Meeting them at this conference also helped finding the right contact people as well when I had to travel to my island of birth, Cebu. The Department of Social Welfare & Development (DSWD) Region VII were my primary contacts in going to Cebu.
DSWD Region VII
With the help with many of these friends, family and organizations, their advice and dialogue has helped me through many obstacles. Without them it may not have been easy. A part of me feels that we’re all meant to have intersected with one another.
Another part of me wishes that I had could have stayed longer. Being back in America is strange. Being in the Philippines was even stranger yet at the same time I felt home. Perhaps it was because I was fortunate to have people like the organizations whom helped me along the way which were like family to me and also of course, my foster and biological family. There’s a stronger emphasis of the importance and value of politeness and human interactions while in the Philippines. Others may argue this but being adopted and still keeping myself rooted within my culture, I’m glad that I was given the opportunity to learn the culture and language parang hindi maging mayabang kung palaging nag-eenglish ako. “so I don’t come off as snobbish if I kept speaking English” since I took the opportunity as much as I could to understand my roots and assimilate as much as I am able to…
Having these thoughts on my mind of this does not make me grow tired. I may be still in the process of understanding everything that just happened while I was there. It won’t be instantaneous but I am a strong believer in that everything happens for a reason. For sure I know that this entire journey has made me stronger and has had a positive outcome.
