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Losing my mother tongue.

I remember the first few moments attending the Philippine American Community Center of Michigan (PACCM). There were many different languages of the Philippines being spoken back and forth, sounds and phrases that were familiar and alien to me as well. It was when I heard someone speaking out of the sea of other languages in the crowd had entranced me to this forgotten language that was once mine and that hearing the Cebuano or Bisaya language once again was eerily nostalgic.

It is documenting the loss in cultural and ethnic identity, and currently where I find these moments past, present and future moments most precious to keep and capture of how I’ve come to be seen and/or accepted as a member of my biological family in the Philippines very crucial and important.

Join me in my journey and let’s paint this picture together of reunion and reconciliation.

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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Indiegogo campaign at https://igg.me/at/OnceUponAnOchia-/x

–> Follow me on twitter at https://twitter.com/binitaydoc

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

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Oral history and Lineage

As the years pass I’ve grown fascinated with this relationship and kinship of my biological family back home.  After building my relationship with my biological extended relatives through the power of Skype video chats, Facebook messenger, and Viber calls, it’s my recent trip in May, 2015  where staying with my biological cousins’ place in Caduawan and Danao for five weeks found me most intrigued with this post-reunion and birth family search.

It is through the intergenerational dialogue and spending time with my biological relatives that I learned more about myself and had to unlearn in my case study papers that I was a “foundling”.  When speaking with my 94 year old lola at the time, I asked her if I was given a birth name by my mother.  She replied, “Isagani”.

A friend of mine who works for the InterCountry Adoption Board (ICAB) -Philippines told me the translation of my name. She said it translates from Bisaya; one of the major language groups in the Philippines, where “Isa” means one or only one and “Gani” in the Bisayan language is a term for affirmation or a yes.  So the name all together loosely means “Yes you are my only one” or “Yes you are my one and only”

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Each discovery while large or small  helps me piece back together a part of my ethnic cultural identity which I had lost, because it is too easy to learn what people call “American” or “Western” culture when you’re surrounded by it everywhere you go and have nothing that reflects your own roots.  Documenting this experience makes these experiences immortal allowing me to physically reflect upon it.

Help me continue to document these stories in my next film as I put together these collective narrative of my biological family.

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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Indiegogo campaign at https://igg.me/at/OnceUponAnOchia-/x

–> Follow me on twitter at https://twitter.com/binitaydoc

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

 

 

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The Centipede

In the past two trips to the Philippines that I made in 2013 and 2015, before I made the journey to the motherland I have encountered or have been visited by a centipede that would come across my path.  It was this Monday morning that we have met again.

“Lane Wilcken explains that the segments of the centipede’s legs represent the chain of ancestors extending back in time,  with each pair of legs representing a paternal and maternal line.  The centipede suggests the continuity of life and responsibility of perpetuating lineage.” (p.84, Apostal)

Although I may not be of Kalinga descent; as far as I know, I’ve found this as a prelude symbol of my journey.

Centipede Drawing

Out of coincidence or superstition, this may be some sort of sign for my past trips and my upcoming trip as I continue to document the next segment of my journey of as a Filipino adoptee, or what I call a “FilAmpon” –   A play on the words Filpino American and the Filipino word “ampon,” which translates to adoption.

Join me on my journey as I learn more about my biological family and our collective narrative of where I came from at my latest film project, “Once Upon An Ochia”.

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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Indiegogo campaign at https://igg.me/at/OnceUponAnOchia-/x

–> Follow me on twitter at https://twitter.com/binitaydoc

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

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Apostol, Virgil Mayor. “Chapter Two: Shamanic and Spiritual Practices and Beliefs.” Way of the Ancient Healer: Sacred Teachings from the Philippine Ancestral Traditions. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic, 2010. 84. Print.

By unknown, published by Harper & Brothers of New York, written by Thomas Wallace Know (1835-1896) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

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Binitay: Journey of a Filipino Adoptee Trailer

Here is the official trailer of my documentary.  The official full showing will be on Sunday, March 16th, 2014 at the Philippine American Community Center of Michigan (PACCM).  I invite you all to attend the showing and how the cultural communities have helped me come in terms with my identity as a transracial adoptee.  

For those who many not understand why I created this, this project was manifested from the time I was a pre-adolescent.  During that time, fellow classmates would find out that my parents happen to be white Caucasian, while I am a Filipino.  So I told them how I was adopted and so time and time again, questions would arise from classmates asking if I ever knew my real biological parents or family.  Other questions for example were: “Do you know how to speak Filipino?  Have you been back to the Philippines?  Were you born there?  Are you full Filipino?  Are you sure?  Do you know anything about the culture?”  And so on.

So because of those constant questions, experiences of outsiderness, and a growing eagerness to find out more about the man in the mirror, it finally had led to eventually opening up my case study papers for the first time.  I read those papers and had felt a cycle of anger, forgiveness, and understanding as I learned more about my homeland.  After being able to tell my story, others have told me I should document it.  So here it is, the preview to my documentary.

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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Kickstarter campaign at http://kck.st/filipinoadoptee

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

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Enero. Coming full circle

Ever since being introduced to the Filipino community, the month of January was not just a month that was supposedly where my birthday happened to be in.  It was a bittersweet month.  A reminder.

Every January 24th, I would blow out candles and make that wish.  I’d wish that someday, I would make it to the Philippines.  That I would find my biological family.  I’d hope my prayers and wishes would be answered in some form or another.  I’d pray that my biological family would be safe even though I never met them.  Can someone ever miss someone they have never met before?  Is that possible?    

Aunty Fely, my mother's sister. "May resemblance ba?" Is there a resemblance?
Aunty Fely, my mother’s older sister. “May resemblance ba?” Is there a resemblance?

It’s made me wonder every birthday since 2007 as to who my biological family was.  Inside there were unanswered questions.  There were missing puzzle pieces that needed filling no matter how happy I tried to be.  This was a month where sadness was covered up with sleight grimaces and a longing to know where I fit in between two worlds of being a Filipino in a family that happens to be a white caucasian American family and a Filipino who was foreign to his own community.  These were times when I would stare back at myself and felt lost.  These were times where I’d tell classmates and other people that I wanted to find my roots, and sometimes have been shot down by their tongues saying that:

“Why search? Aren’t you happy?”

“What if your family doesn’t even want to see you?”

“You were abandoned and found in a plastic bag in a banana tree,  your mother didn’t want you!”  

Despite these, I’ve never given up on hope.  That hope fueled me to want to go back and document my story.  I’ve been advised that I should document it.  So this in the end will come full circle.  It hasn’t only helped me weave through what life has given me but I hope it helps others as well.

Video editing has been tedious especially working so often in order to save enough money to attend school and being part of these non-profits.  The documentary will be hopefully complete before January ends.  

I’ve gone back and we were successful in our search as said in one of my previous blog posts.  Unfortunately, I’ll disclose that my biological mother is no longer with us.  I do feel though that she has been watching over me since the moment I had started my Kicktarter and set foot on Filipino soil.  Even now I feel she is here with me.  There is one question still that comes to the forefront.  

Can someone miss someone they never met before? 

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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Kickstarter campaign at http://kck.st/filipinoadoptee

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

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