Here is the official trailer of my documentary. The official full showing will be on Sunday, March 16th, 2014 at the Philippine American Community Center of Michigan (PACCM). I invite you all to attend the showing and how the cultural communities have helped me come in terms with my identity as a transracial adoptee.
For those who many not understand why I created this, this project was manifested from the time I was a pre-adolescent. During that time, fellow classmates would find out that my parents happen to be white Caucasian, while I am a Filipino. So I told them how I was adopted and so time and time again, questions would arise from classmates asking if I ever knew myrealbiological parents or family. Other questions for example were: “Do you know how to speak Filipino? Have you been back to the Philippines? Were you born there? Are you full Filipino? Are you sure? Do you know anything about the culture?” And so on.
So because of those constant questions, experiences of outsiderness, and a growing eagerness to find out more about the man in the mirror, it finally had led to eventually opening up my case study papers for the first time. I read those papers and had felt a cycle of anger, forgiveness, and understanding as I learned more about my homeland. After being able to tell my story, others have told me I should document it. So here it is, the preview to my documentary.
_________
I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.
“Gusto ko nga ipahibalo ang mga istorya na naga kahitabo sa banwa gisaad na to” – Balita by Gloc 9
It’s been three weeks since I’ve been back from the ‘Motherland’. It’s been also three weeks of pulling out old photos, videos, and organizing everything to be digitized. I understand now why people are able to be paid to digitize old archives.
A piece of me is missing but at the same time it’s not missing. Part of me has been left in the Philippines while part of me is back here in America. Before flying back I thought to myself, “Will I continue to live my life as it was in America or have I consciously changed after this experience?”. I do have mixed emotions which I am unraveling. Whether these emotions are positive or negative, after attending a few conferences and being a part of organizations, I’ve learned from others to understand that these emotions are what make me human.
Also I’ve learned from two very wise women. One woman had said that “Only you are in control of your own thoughts and what you do with them”, and another woman had said to me after asking her for advice was, “Negative thoughts are not in your vocabulary”. The first woman is Grace Lee Boggs, an American Revolutionary, and the second was Fe Rowland who was the past director for Paaralang Pilipino or Filipino School at the Philippine American Cultural Center of Michigan. These testimonials have gotten me through many obstacles.
I thank many of the people who have helped me along the way who made this trip possible, those who aided my search such as the Inter-Country AdoptIon Board whom I’ve been in contact with since last Spring, Lorial Crowder who is the co-founder of the Filipino Adoptees Network which is based in New Your City, who is a close friend of mine and aided me during most of the trip. Lastly was my previous foster family’s generosity of offering me to stay at their home, and for my foster sister Hesziel and her family for emotional support and making me feel safe and keep me safe in my own homeland. I also thank the people at Asilo for allowing me to stay within their dormitories.
Inter-Country Adoption Board Office
During the trip I was able to meet and network with many people involved in inter-country Adoption Services at the 12th Global Consultation on Child Welfare. Meeting them at this conference also helped finding the right contact people as well when I had to travel to my island of birth, Cebu. The Department of Social Welfare & Development (DSWD) Region VII were my primary contacts in going to Cebu.
DSWD Region VII
With the help with many of these friends, family and organizations, their advice and dialogue has helped me through many obstacles. Without them it may not have been easy. A part of me feels that we’re all meant to have intersected with one another.
Another part of me wishes that I had could have stayed longer. Being back in America is strange. Being in the Philippines was even stranger yet at the same time I felt home. Perhaps it was because I was fortunate to have people like the organizations whom helped me along the way which were like family to me and also of course, my foster and biological family. There’s a stronger emphasis of the importance and value of politeness and human interactions while in the Philippines. Others may argue this but being adopted and still keeping myself rooted within my culture, I’m glad that I was given the opportunity to learn the culture and language parang hindi maging mayabang kung palaging nag-eenglish ako. “so I don’t come off as snobbish if I kept speaking English” since I took the opportunity as much as I could to understand my roots and assimilate as much as I am able to…
Having these thoughts on my mind of this does not make me grow tired. I may be still in the process of understanding everything that just happened while I was there. It won’t be instantaneous but I am a strong believer in that everything happens for a reason. For sure I know that this entire journey has made me stronger and has had a positive outcome.
It’s been over a month since I’ve seen most of my fellow Filipinos or kababayan in the states who had supported me in my trip. Today begins the first day of Paaralang Pilipino or Filipino school at the Philippine American Culture Center of Michigan (PACCM).
This year also marks the 4th year that I’ve been a facilitator and mentor for the Paaralang Pilipino school classes. Those are the Beginners Tagalog and the Filipino Youth Initiative class for the thirteen and older age group. Prior to teaching I also was once a student in these classes. I look back at the struggles of identity and searching for where I belonged in the midst of reclaiming and finding home in my community. For my experience but maybe not for others, there’s an interesting sense of kinship regardless of being adopted and that I’m still seen as a Filipino. However, during the struggle there were times where involvement and trying to find home, I didn’t always feel like I belonged.
As a student I enjoyed coming here but in my heart I was an outsider. I stayed persistent but at times I wanted to drop everything, leave the community and stay who I was before. I thought to myself, if I did that, then I would be waving the white flags and surrendering. Just giving up on searching and finding out my roots and culture would be the ultimate injustice and wouldn’t have given me the opportunities to have met the most amazing people during this journey who helped keep my head up and supported me and possibly not have any of my questions answered.
_________
I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.
Out of respect for my kababáyan (fellow Filipinos), barángay (municipal town), and lastly, kapamílya (biological relatives), the blog documentations as well as the film release will keep certain information kept confidential.
This will be the challenge of the film but also a learning experience of when one culture meets and learns about another. Even though I have found many missing pieces of my puzzle, some however are incomplete and may remain that way, and I am ok with that. But I do know that after this trip, I have a stronger sense of self and where I came from.
Anyways, welcome to my backyard!
Barrio Mabuli
_________
I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.
So much has happened within the first five days here. I can’t even fathom my entire existence of being in my home country. With the comforts of having Lorial Crowder, the co-founder of Filipino Adoptee Network (FAN), assisting me in my stay here I’ve experienced minimal culture shock. Also that we have not ventured outside of Manila yet. Places we’ve hit so far are Kalookan, Quiapo, Makati, Binondo, and now Manila. There’s a sort of disconnection yet familiarity of being here. Maybe it’s because I look like everyone? Yet I look ‘kano’ or American at the same time.
Philippine Pesos
About a day or so after my arrival, I was able to buy ‘load’ or text/call points to contact the Inter-Country Adoption Board (ICAB) and also notify my foster mother that I have arrived here. While at the ICAB office we helped them prepare for the Global Consultation on Child Welfare conference.
Painting in the Inter-Country Adoption Board office (ICAB)
Upon meeting Bernarda T. Torres aka “Mama Nor”, she was so warm and it’s like we’ve known each other since forever. There was not too much of a language barrier since I was able to speak some Taglish (Filipino and English combined) and bits of Cebuano. She had tears in her eyes just like in the photo when I came to America and like when she first heard of me searching for her and the rest of the foster family. I’m beyond fortunate to be given this opportunity to see her once again. I’ve learned even more stuff about her as a foster home as well. We met in Novaliches Bayan, Kalookan where one of her daughters live. I’ve been in contact with her daughter’s son to be able to make it easier to meet them.
