In the past two trips to the Philippines that I made in 2013 and 2015, before I made the journey to the motherland I have encountered or have been visited by a centipede that would come across my path. It was this Monday morning that we have met again.
“Lane Wilcken explains that the segments of the centipede’s legs represent the chain of ancestors extending back in time, with each pair of legs representing a paternal and maternal line. The centipede suggests the continuity of life and responsibility of perpetuating lineage.” (p.84, Apostal)
Although I may not be of Kalinga descent; as far as I know, I’ve found this as a prelude symbol of my journey.
Out of coincidence or superstition, this may be some sort of sign for my past trips and my upcoming trip as I continue to document the next segment of my journey of as a Filipino adoptee, or what I call a “FilAmpon” – A play on the words Filpino American and the Filipino word “ampon,” which translates to adoption.
Join me on my journey as I learn more about my biological family and our collective narrative of where I came from at my latest film project, “Once Upon An Ochia”.
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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.
Apostol, Virgil Mayor. “Chapter Two: Shamanic and Spiritual Practices and Beliefs.” Way of the Ancient Healer: Sacred Teachings from the Philippine Ancestral Traditions. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic, 2010. 84. Print.
By unknown, published by Harper & Brothers of New York, written by Thomas Wallace Know (1835-1896) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
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The aftermath of the biological family reunion – where does an adoptee go from here? How does one balance two families? These are some of the questions that James Beni Wilson will attempt to answer in his next film project, Once Upon An Ochia.
There are not many documentaries that highlight the ongoing relationship of an adoptee after reuniting with their biological family. I will be will be mapping out a collective narrative focusing on the inter-cultural interactions between my families and myself. It will also include genealogy work of putting together a family tree and capturing the living oral history. This film is dedicated to adoptees, specifically trans-racial or trans-national adoptees, who are finding their way building and balancing new and old relationships, how it may impact one’s identity; to bring you a glimpse of what it may be like after post-reunion of an adoptee “finding their roots.
Please help me reach my goal in fundraising for my latest documentary film here! Even if you don’t donate, that’s fine as long as you help me share my indiegogo campaign I’ll be very grateful!
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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.
Here is the official trailer of my documentary. The official full showing will be on Sunday, March 16th, 2014 at the Philippine American Community Center of Michigan (PACCM). I invite you all to attend the showing and how the cultural communities have helped me come in terms with my identity as a transracial adoptee.
For those who many not understand why I created this, this project was manifested from the time I was a pre-adolescent. During that time, fellow classmates would find out that my parents happen to be white Caucasian, while I am a Filipino. So I told them how I was adopted and so time and time again, questions would arise from classmates asking if I ever knew myrealbiological parents or family. Other questions for example were: “Do you know how to speak Filipino? Have you been back to the Philippines? Were you born there? Are you full Filipino? Are you sure? Do you know anything about the culture?” And so on.
So because of those constant questions, experiences of outsiderness, and a growing eagerness to find out more about the man in the mirror, it finally had led to eventually opening up my case study papers for the first time. I read those papers and had felt a cycle of anger, forgiveness, and understanding as I learned more about my homeland. After being able to tell my story, others have told me I should document it. So here it is, the preview to my documentary.
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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.
I’ve been on hiatus with keeping up with this blog but life has continued on with compiling the last pieces of footage back here in Michigan to complete my documentary. Life also has kept going on as for work, organizing the Filipino Youth Initiative, and the Basic Filipino Language classes, as well as being the current Youth Chair for Council of Asian Pacific Americans of Michigan.
Even though life continues to move forward, a part of my soul seems suspended within a dimension of time and thought trying to unravel everything. Often I refer to this as a ball of yarn since everything is interconnected one way or another. Also, It is too easy to say that “I am James Beni Wilson”. My identity has a much deeper history than that and encompasses other peoples’ lives who I value now as well. No one is a just a third party. They are very much a part of the large design of life somehow. Everything happens for a reason whether we understand those reasons or not. Every turning point that has opened doors to me in challenging my own identity, I have been given these blessed opportunities to say these prepared me for this journey back to the Philippines to find the truth. Without these opportunities and if I have not been able to come in contact with countless people who I have come across in this journey, I may not have the tools that they gave me to understand everything and to accept what is.
I’ve asked a few people if I have changed since this trip. They’ve said that I seem happier. Knowing details has helped me know where I came from to move forward. Will it be like this for everyone? I cannot answer that for them.
Finding out that she is no longer with us was difficult. The first few nights being back from the Philippines did result in tear drenched pillows. Not only that it’s hard knowing that she passed, but also knowing that I was not abandoned. Finding a way to communicate my/our story without bringing any disrespect won’t be tricky but will be taken in account.
Coming in late January, my journey.
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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.
“Gusto ko nga ipahibalo ang mga istorya na naga kahitabo sa banwa gisaad na to” – Balita by Gloc 9
It’s been three weeks since I’ve been back from the ‘Motherland’. It’s been also three weeks of pulling out old photos, videos, and organizing everything to be digitized. I understand now why people are able to be paid to digitize old archives.
A piece of me is missing but at the same time it’s not missing. Part of me has been left in the Philippines while part of me is back here in America. Before flying back I thought to myself, “Will I continue to live my life as it was in America or have I consciously changed after this experience?”. I do have mixed emotions which I am unraveling. Whether these emotions are positive or negative, after attending a few conferences and being a part of organizations, I’ve learned from others to understand that these emotions are what make me human.
Also I’ve learned from two very wise women. One woman had said that “Only you are in control of your own thoughts and what you do with them”, and another woman had said to me after asking her for advice was, “Negative thoughts are not in your vocabulary”. The first woman is Grace Lee Boggs, an American Revolutionary, and the second was Fe Rowland who was the past director for Paaralang Pilipino or Filipino School at the Philippine American Cultural Center of Michigan. These testimonials have gotten me through many obstacles.
I thank many of the people who have helped me along the way who made this trip possible, those who aided my search such as the Inter-Country AdoptIon Board whom I’ve been in contact with since last Spring, Lorial Crowder who is the co-founder of the Filipino Adoptees Network which is based in New Your City, who is a close friend of mine and aided me during most of the trip. Lastly was my previous foster family’s generosity of offering me to stay at their home, and for my foster sister Hesziel and her family for emotional support and making me feel safe and keep me safe in my own homeland. I also thank the people at Asilo for allowing me to stay within their dormitories.
Inter-Country Adoption Board Office
During the trip I was able to meet and network with many people involved in inter-country Adoption Services at the 12th Global Consultation on Child Welfare. Meeting them at this conference also helped finding the right contact people as well when I had to travel to my island of birth, Cebu. The Department of Social Welfare & Development (DSWD) Region VII were my primary contacts in going to Cebu.
DSWD Region VII
With the help with many of these friends, family and organizations, their advice and dialogue has helped me through many obstacles. Without them it may not have been easy. A part of me feels that we’re all meant to have intersected with one another.
Another part of me wishes that I had could have stayed longer. Being back in America is strange. Being in the Philippines was even stranger yet at the same time I felt home. Perhaps it was because I was fortunate to have people like the organizations whom helped me along the way which were like family to me and also of course, my foster and biological family. There’s a stronger emphasis of the importance and value of politeness and human interactions while in the Philippines. Others may argue this but being adopted and still keeping myself rooted within my culture, I’m glad that I was given the opportunity to learn the culture and language parang hindi maging mayabang kung palaging nag-eenglish ako. “so I don’t come off as snobbish if I kept speaking English” since I took the opportunity as much as I could to understand my roots and assimilate as much as I am able to…
Having these thoughts on my mind of this does not make me grow tired. I may be still in the process of understanding everything that just happened while I was there. It won’t be instantaneous but I am a strong believer in that everything happens for a reason. For sure I know that this entire journey has made me stronger and has had a positive outcome.
